So I wrote this randomly before going overseas for work. You know like one of those moments where thousands of emotions are flooding in your mind every split of seconds that you think you can’t handle and needs to be express. Like fear. Excitement. Nervousness. Happiness. Great Unknown. Something like ‘igniting your bones’, just like what Coldplay’s Fix You reminds us.
I’m actually teary eyed in the process of writing this (and still crying everytime I remember writing and reading this) maybe because when you are wonderfully lost, the emotional part of yours will just automatically blossoms outside, turning it into flowery and sensible words that can help heal your soul. Here’s an advice to my weary self who is experiencing quarter life crisis (yes, I’m really weird I know):
I know right now, you’re in the state where everything is just completely blurred. From where you want to go to the person you want to be. I know you have so many fears and what ifs and things that you want to accomplish but don’t have the courage to do so. All I want you to know is that it’s okay not to get all the answers to your never ending questions in life. That it’s okay to savor all the hurting and pain of not being whole, of not being the person everybody wants you to be. You’ll get there someday and I hope that if that time comes, remember how you used to be in this state, lonely, sad, no direction and you’ll probably feel accomplished because you’re able to face this time of your life. Life really is complex and there are so many things to learn and I hope that wherever you go, you’ll change, not changing for the bad (nobody wants that), changing to something beautiful that probably you can change the things that makes you stubborn, like feeling deeply sad over things. I hope that the person you are becoming after 2 or 5 years from now is someone responsible, positive, cheerful (though you’re already like that, but not really inside), sees beauty in everything and I hope, this last is important, that you find your place, your home. It’s not important if that’s where you lived before or it’s your hometown. The important of all is that if it makes you oh-so happy, genuinely happy, then darling I can say that it is your home, your happy place. Of course, in the right time, all things in your life will come into place. Patience self, patience. You’ll not completely happy right now nor okay kind of happy, but eventually, someday. The important in life is never loose the things that makes your heart alive. I know sometimes you forget how special you are and you also forget to be patience with yourself, to your mistakes, to your own kind of imperfections, but it doesn’t mean that you can never be happy. Just hold unto everything that makes you warm inside and use it to fuel your desires and aspirations and dreams and hope for the future. You’ll get there someday.
Yourself (trying to convinced you that everything is worth fighting for)
… And now I realized that you can never feel a certain thing without even trying it. Just like what Coldplay’s Fix You says, “but if you never try you never know, just what your worth.” So it’s ALWAYS your choice if you would be stubborn or learn things. (But it doesn’t mean that I am no longer stubborn, I still am and I’m learning not to. Hopefully.)