2am Thoughts

So here goes this feeling again. I don’t know how it all started but it’s always hard for me to find happiness. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a joyful person on the outside but deep inside there’s emptiness, there’s an undeniable sadness. And I don’t know what to do with it sometimes. I guess I’m just sad over many things that makes me such a stubborn person, I admit it. 

Well, I guess I always want to find something that can make me happy, permanently happy. You know when someone ask another person what is there goal in life and they would answer back things like, I want to have a successful career, a loving family, or a pretty and comfortable home. Back when I was little I want to be rich for the reason that I want to help people and to have a wide range of land that I’ll be able to put up my own garden full of flowers and fruits (weird again I know) But I guess I don’t intend to be one. So when someone ask me what would be mine, I would automatically say ‘genuine happiness’. That’s my ultimate goal in life (Yes I know I’m such a weird idealist.) Because you can have a successful career or beautiful material things but I think it all goes to one point – if ever you’re genuinely happy. Not because you have these things, but YOU are happy, with yourself, within yourself. As I’m getting older every year, it’s a big question mark for me that I still didn’t get the answer to that curiosity of mine. As I also look back in the past, I always have set of questions, not that I’m the smart one, but I guess I observe life more than I live it. That boils to the point that I’m such an idealist. And sometimes I don’t know if that is a positive trait or not. 

But as I’ve said in my previous blog posts, I’m currently under construction on finding my own kind of happiness. I want to embrace the sadness, the pain of being wonderfully lost that someday I will be miraculously found. I don’t know how and when but I know that day would just come, without me knowing, without me noticing. I want to trust this whole life process and embrace what life would give and throw to me. 

But right now, I want to be gentle with myself. I want to discover and get to know myself more, my strength, my weaknesses. Grow and glow. 

‘Cause right now I’m just a garden full of wildflowers but someday, I’ll build my own garden full of roses, sunflowers, lilies and tulips. In short, when I already found my genuine happiness.

I just hope that one day, I’ll wake up feeling energize and ecstatic. That the first thing that I would think of is, ‘oh it’s another beautiful day!’ instead of ‘Urgh, it’s morning again’ feels.  

And that feeling when I will never force myself for being happy, ’cause I already am.  

P.S.: Playing Rascal Flatts’ My Wish while writing this. And it just feels good. 

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2am Thoughts

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