Genuinely happy

So today’s my day off and I got to spend it so much with my workmates. I’m happy that we enjoyed each other’s company already and it’s safe to say that we are comfortable being goofy and weird together. Which is really a good thing. We ate so much food and then take weird selfies and just laugh and laugh until our stomach hurts. I miss those kinds of laughs because they’re so authentic and natural that being weird is not a bad thing, that’s why I’m thankful that I got to laugh again, the truest one. 

I’m happy in this present moment knowing that I’ve already adjusted in the place where I am currently working. Though there are restrictions but still, happiness is just a state of mind. And I choose to be positive and hopeful each day (though it’s not always that easy). I actually can’t believe that I’ll survive this whole journey because I’m such an emotional person and being away from home is really a huge struggle for me. I remembered crying and crying (I think it’s the worst cry I had in my life) at the van with my parents, knowing I will not get to see them for two years. My mother just hold my hand while my father is telling me what to expect while working abroad (though I know deep inside he really does want to console me, knowing he also worked on the place I’ll be going). And now after 5 and a half months, I’m here, happy, learning a new language, I have a job, I get to support my family financially,  I’ve met a lot of beautiful souls. I think I am more than blessed knowing that I have these things. I will be bringing these wonderful experiences when I am coming home, which will just happen. So there’s no need to worry. 

I am also happy that one of my closest friend is getting married. Knowing she waited patiently for her definition of true love. I just can’t contain my happiness because she’d been praying this throughout the years and finally, she already found hers. I’m just sad that I can’t attend her wedding but I’m happy that she said to me, “I hope you’re here on my wedding (she wants me to be one of her bridesmaids) because you’re so close to my heart.” Which melts my heart away. Then memories just flashback, the food trips, her being my partner always in ministry, the sleepovers, the movie marathons, and the conversations.  And then I remember all and I just felt nostalgic at that moment. A beautiful kind of nostalgia. I admit I overused that word already but I don’t know, for me as I get older, I always find myself looking back to all the memories that had been built in my mind. That’s where almost of my happiness came from actually.

So basically my next blog post is all about being ‘Nostalgic’. I’m excited because it is mostly associated with my childhood.  

Songs I’m playing while writing this: The Beatles’ In My Life and Passenger’s Beautiful Birds.

Thanks for patiently reading this not so important post. 😛  

The Little Prince: Personal realizations

So I’ve finished reading this wonder book. It’s so surprising that it’s so simple but complex at the same time. When I say complex I mean it does really gives so much realizations in life, which I do think every human (especially we grown ups) should really read and reflect afterwards. So here are some of the quotations and phrases that stole my heart away (in a good and positive way)

Grown-ups love figures… When you tell them you’ve made a new friend they never ask you any questions about essential matters. They never say to you “What does his voice sound like? What games does he love best? Does he collect butterflies? ” Instead they demand “How old is he? How much does he weigh? How much money does his father make? ” Only from these figures do they think they have learned anything about him.”

This is one of the things I really appreciate from the book because I am totally agree with what the author quoted. It sad to know that most of the people nowadays, grown ups to be specific, tend to focus more on ‘figures’, or in other words, material things which usually doesn’t give so much satisfaction and lasting happiness. I don’t know how an author who’s generation is far from me can really described how I really feel with this generation that we live in now. There’s so much substance with questions like, ‘does he collect butterflies?’, it’s so comforting that someone like him talk about deep truths in life which oftentimes neglected, forgotten, abandoned. I know it’s weird but I feel special when someone sincerely ask me questions like that, like it does signifies that someone is just as interested in life as same as me. That you could see the genuineness, the pureness of what friendship can bring. That it is not how many followers you have on Instagram or how famous you’re on Facebook, how many likes your profile picture has. It’s sad that it’s what happens today, that we rely much of our happiness on figures, we tend to post pictures like ‘we ate at this fancy resto’, ‘I have a new G-shock’, ‘ a new car’ so on and so forth. Endless material things. Endless pursuit of nothingness, a run after the wind. Seldom you will see photos with caption like, ‘I enjoyed the food as much I enjoyed talking with these bunch of people’, ‘Spontaneous talks is what I always crave for’. Quality. Yes, that’s what lacking and I want to break that and be someone who appreciates, who listens, who notices.

But he would always answer, “That’s a hat.” Then I wouldn’t talk about boa constrictors or jungles or stars. I would put myself on his level and talk about bridge and golf and politics and neckties. And my grown-up was glad to know such a reasonable person.

I am again sad with this awakening truth, that sometimes we tend to act like a really serious grown up for someone for them to think like, ‘oh she’s matured, she has substance.’ I, in my part, does this most of the time but everytime I talk to a person, I always hope and pray at the back of mind things like, ‘I hope we would talk about how much we appreciate our mothers, our fathers’, ‘I hope we talked about that particular old song which makes our heart feel nostalgic and happy at the same time’. And this sentiments reminds me of my best friend, she’s the only one I can talk to about these sorts of things, you know like most of time we would just sit in the terrace at a starry night (yes we are so sentimental and weird) or in the bedroom for hours and talk about life, our chaos, music and anything sensible. I so love and miss those moments. And those things is my definition of luxury, which the brain is the number one thing actively used and also the figurative heart. And I think it sad when people can’t talked about that kind of thing or simply don’t want to because they’re so busy, or I might say preoccupied with a lot of other things. For me, deep conversations and perspective about life are the real luxury in the world because you can carry it wherever you go, you have it in your heart and mind that no can stole in from you, unless you want to share it withis others, willingly. And that I think is a beautiful thing.

It is such a mysterious place, the land of tears.

I don’t know but this simple phrase really hit me. Maybe because when you’re naturally a sentimental and a ‘feels too much’ person, you can really relate with this. I know not all people will appreciate this but it’s always a mysterious place when you found yourself sad or depress. It’s like you have your own universe that only few people will understand the depths of emotions that is going through in your mind. Isn’t that amazing? Isn’t that wonderful and mysterious? And then you appreciate these type of people who sees you behind those eyes, those smiles, because they know that there’s more to that, there’s more than meets the eye.

People where you live,” the little prince said, “grow five thousand roses in one garden… yet they don’t find what they’re looking for.

Lack of appreciation and contentment. These are the things I want to associate with the phrase. I think humans in general naturally want to seek more of what they already have. Like when they have this new gadget, they would then add a follow up, ‘Oh this is the latest version, I actually want this more than what I’ve bought already’, ‘I’ve seen it use by a celebrity, I wanna buy it too’. I also have this tendencies and I want to change that because I don’t want to be everybody else who thinks brands and things are so much of a big deal. I want to appreciate the ‘roses’ that has already in me and just cultivate a grateful attitude, in everything, big or small

And, if you should come upon this spot, please do not hurry on. Wait for a time, exactly under the star. Then, if a little man appears who laughs, who has golden hair and who refuses to answer questions, you will know who he is. If this should happen, please comfort me. Send me word that he has come back.

So these beautiful lines concluded the whole story. And this is probably the best part of the book. Actually there are so many quotable and remarkable lines that are so moving but these particular phrases are so close and relatable to me. Well because when we grow up, we tend to forget that we once had been a child. Carefree, happy, not afraid to ask questions and state facts. We are consume by the idea that others may judge or misinterpret us, now that we are grown ups. Well, I just want to remind myself that I hope you never lose your sense of wonder, the inner child in you. That child who just go along play and observe things, that child who enjoy the simplest of things, that child who has rich memories of childhood. Because being a grown up is so crucial and complicated that sometimes we tend to be content with just a ‘okay’ kind of life. We loose track of time, we create and repeat stubborn routines then ending up not loving our own life. We became unknown mask of our own that we forget how to really live.

So please don’t let the negativity and dullness of present days consume you into something you’re not, that you forget how happy you are before.

As we grow more and more each day, both physically and emotionally, may we never forget the ‘Little Prince’, which in the first place, is already present in us, inside of us. ‘Cause it will always remind us how precious, how worthy it is to live each day, knowing that we have so many things to discover, so many volcanoes to climb and conquer. Capabilities. Possibilities.

Grow


Grow, they would say

To where you are

To where you want to be

To a place you can be free.

Grow and go to the direction

Where your heart is safe

Where your heart is in her happy place

Where it may rest, where it can be her very best.

Grow, find something

Discover, not everything but anything

That will make the missing pieces

Eventually and gradually whole, finally. 

Grow, make things happen

Don’t just sit there

And think what will happen next

That can someday be your version of happiness.


You see growing

Is not just a one day process

It’s a combination of beautiful and not so good things

That eventually will change your whole being.


Grow, I say once again

But please don’t forget the inner child in you 

That someday you’ll wake up,

Not appreciating even the morning dew.


Grow, that you may learn

To love yourself

To prioritize your goals

Which will eventually bring you endless joy.

2am Thoughts

So here goes this feeling again. I don’t know how it all started but it’s always hard for me to find happiness. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a joyful person on the outside but deep inside there’s emptiness, there’s an undeniable sadness. And I don’t know what to do with it sometimes. I guess I’m just sad over many things that makes me such a stubborn person, I admit it. 

Well, I guess I always want to find something that can make me happy, permanently happy. You know when someone ask another person what is there goal in life and they would answer back things like, I want to have a successful career, a loving family, or a pretty and comfortable home. Back when I was little I want to be rich for the reason that I want to help people and to have a wide range of land that I’ll be able to put up my own garden full of flowers and fruits (weird again I know) But I guess I don’t intend to be one. So when someone ask me what would be mine, I would automatically say ‘genuine happiness’. That’s my ultimate goal in life (Yes I know I’m such a weird idealist.) Because you can have a successful career or beautiful material things but I think it all goes to one point – if ever you’re genuinely happy. Not because you have these things, but YOU are happy, with yourself, within yourself. As I’m getting older every year, it’s a big question mark for me that I still didn’t get the answer to that curiosity of mine. As I also look back in the past, I always have set of questions, not that I’m the smart one, but I guess I observe life more than I live it. That boils to the point that I’m such an idealist. And sometimes I don’t know if that is a positive trait or not. 

But as I’ve said in my previous blog posts, I’m currently under construction on finding my own kind of happiness. I want to embrace the sadness, the pain of being wonderfully lost that someday I will be miraculously found. I don’t know how and when but I know that day would just come, without me knowing, without me noticing. I want to trust this whole life process and embrace what life would give and throw to me. 

But right now, I want to be gentle with myself. I want to discover and get to know myself more, my strength, my weaknesses. Grow and glow. 

‘Cause right now I’m just a garden full of wildflowers but someday, I’ll build my own garden full of roses, sunflowers, lilies and tulips. In short, when I already found my genuine happiness.

I just hope that one day, I’ll wake up feeling energize and ecstatic. That the first thing that I would think of is, ‘oh it’s another beautiful day!’ instead of ‘Urgh, it’s morning again’ feels.  

And that feeling when I will never force myself for being happy, ’cause I already am.  

P.S.: Playing Rascal Flatts’ My Wish while writing this. And it just feels good.