I hope every genuine person will meet someone as pure as their hearts. Why? Because they deserved it, they really deserved every little and not so little love in the world. They deserve happiness because they freely give it to everyone.
And in the end, all she have is herself and her thoughts.
Her thoughts are way more colorful than her actual life. She kind of understand that thought right now, that she’s contented in all that she is. She would just continue to add more color to her dull and boring life and someday it will just automatically blossoms to something she never expected.
She would continue to be anything beautiful, not that of the outside, she would continue to shower positive thoughts in her mind. It will not be easy, it never was. There are days that she feels everything at the same time. Her thoughts are spinning into an endless whirlwind of emotions, like a nonstop carousel, like a rainbow without an end. A nonstop playing music box without any rhythm.
There will be days that she feels like laughing and laughing, because she’s happy. There will be days where all her energy is like Rose in Titanic, where she didn’t care about how people telling her how she should dance. The important is she’s happy, she’s contented. There will be days where all she could think of is how not good enough she is, and that she should reassure herself that it’s okay to feel that way. The important is, she’s feeling something. Is that more okay than not feeling at all?
And she reminded herself (everyday) that it’s okay not be okay and she’s finally okay with that.
This is such a talk these days and we have to admit, this is the hardest thing to achieve because there are so many distractions nowadays that the very essence of caring for ourselves is nothing in our priority list.
And I have to admit, self love/worth is something that I didn’t really payed attention to. I somehow grasp the idea of it in my early 20s and I actually didn’t take any actions for me to improve myself that’s why here I am. I lack self-confidence and most of the time I didn’t believe in my abilities. And as a result, I am my own worst critique. Which is nerve wracking, actually.
But then again, as I wake up earlier this morning, 28th of October, year 2017, exactly 8:30 am, I feel like not doing anything, that I will just stay in bed because frankly speaking, I feel so empty. I don’t know if you can classified it as being sad or depressed (maybe I’m at the middle, if there’s such thing, lol) It did continue during working hours, I drink my coffee, ate some dark chocolate biscuits but still, the stabbing feeling still remains in my chest and it seems like it will about to stay there for the rest of the day. But then again, in the afternoon, it slowly fades away. Maybe also because of the fish fillet with mushroom stuffed sandwich made by Doctora that made me okay again. It’s quite delicious actually.
And then, this evening as I evaluate what made me feel this day goes to my realisation that: I really do need to take good care of myself. Like the real kind of care. I need to change and stop being stubborn. I know what I’m feeling in the early hours of this day is because on how I deal with my self, with my emotions. I don’t know, I have this habit that when I’m so lost with my own thoughts, I kind of dwell with it. Like I will stay there for quite some time, which is really not emotionally healthy, I know.
So now, I am finally taking little steps to overcome it. I know, it will not just happen overnight, it will take years for it to build but I’m slowly learning how to kill that not-so-good old self and build someone I will be proud of, someday. Recognize it and take actions until you’re able to overcome it, Jannin.
I’ve made a deal with myself. That each day I will wrote things I did that are essential for my ‘Self-Worth Project’. I’ve made a deal that at least 3 self care each day will make the project effective and that I NEED to stick with it until I am used to doing this, everyday.
So here are the things that contributed to my project. This day, I drink green tea, I wash my face and brush my teeth earlier than what I usually do. I wear a comfy t-shirt and a pajama to make me feel comfortable in this literally cold night. I am finally writing this and it makes me feel good. I know it is nothing but little things but I am quite proud of myself because I don’t usually do such simple stuffs like drinking tea.
And my conclusion.
I think it’s not late to change yourself because there are so many beautiful ways to improve yourself. It needs to start with you, it start with the realisation that you need to change for you to grow, for you to develop confidence that is very much takes a big role in your happiness. When you have the confidence and a positive view in yourself, everything around you blooms. You start to love yourself that it is safe to say, you can now love others, deeply.
So hold on there self. You’ll get there someday. One step at a time. 🌿
I used to hate sunsets back then for the simple reason that it has orange in it. It’s like when the sky turns orange, it seems like there will be some catastrophic event that will happen pretty soon that will swallow the whole earth (including us humans) and that scares me, always. And also orange is one of my least favorite color (though as of now I am still figuring out what my favorite color is, lol)
Anyways, as I grow older, I became more aware of how beautiful sunset is. For lovers, it is forseen as such a romantic scenery (it really does actually, whatever part of the world you’re in). For loners, it is seen as a perfect place to contemplate about what really matters in life and life’s little, overlook blessings. For aspiring photographers, it is seen as an opportunity for them to take good photos and for an aesthetic instagram feed. Feed goals, millenial thing.
But for me now, I look at sunsets now in a deeper and personal level. When I look at the sunsets now, it reminded me how simple it is to be happy. I mean, when you look at the sunset, you instantly smile right? For no reason at all. You just admire it’s beauty just by staring at it. Just that few minutes of it, hues of pink, orange and magentas will cover the great big sky reminding us how strangely beautiful life is and at the same time very grateful to God for creating such picturesque view. Everyday, imagine how great His love to us, He can choose black or white but then He doesn’t want anything ordinary so He meticulously choosed colors that will appeal to our eyes. That’s where the mixture of different colors takes in. I realized now where art originated, of course He himself created it and the result is nothing but perfection. I am actually kind of emotional whenever I look at sunsets, it’s a mixture of nostalgia, euphoria and melancholy. I know, it sounds like I am suffering from bipolar disorder but no, I’m not. Mind you, I’m really an emotional type of person and I admit that my personality is not for everybody and I kind of accepted that idea. And, I guess I am getting far away from the topic. So going back…
Sunsets teaches us a lot of lessons. That at the end of the day, it will give hope to the lonesome souls who crave nothing but happiness, a contented type of happiness. That although our day may not turn out to be extraordinary, sunsets are simple reminder that everything can end beautifully.
That it is not actually a sad day after all, nor a sad story. It is a beautiful day, only if we foreseen it that way.
I used to hate sunsets, now it’s what I look forward to at the end of the day. Everyday.
You know what I realized?
That life’s a strangely beautiful sunset and we have to seize every oppurtunity to make it more beautiful. To appreciate it more. 🌱
I will write only beautiful things
I will write anything that inspires me,
I will write a life I always want to be,
I will write with the eagerness that everything will be alright
I will write in such a way everyone around me will inspire
I will write with all my heart
I will write and wash away all the pain in my heart,
I will write things that makes me feel alive
I will write that there will never be room for regret in my heart
I will write and fill my life with beautiful symphony and melody
I will write until there’s no more space for anything bad in my heart.
What if someday, we will live the way we want our lives to be? What if we’ll find the rare kind of love, that we will stop with the idea that we are not good enough? What if what we’re really searching for so long will finally finds its way to us that we stop learning about ourselves because we already knew who we really are?
These are some of the questions that mostly made it’s way to my top 10 mind blowing, lack of sleep, over thinking questions about my favorite subject, life. Do you have those moments where you’re just immense with your own thoughts that you lost tract of time? That you are both scared and excited about how the future will turn out. If ever you’ll be happy living your life or you will never stop searching for that something, if ever you’ll be happy even if you did not find that something you’re searching for your whole life. I hope I make sense, even though I’m not.
I know I’m feeling too much again, like I always do. That’s why I need to wrote it down to reassure myself that what I felt is normal and there’s nothing to be worried about. You know what I realized? That there are so many beautiful possibilities for every person living here on earth. There are endless possibilities to be happy, to be that somebody you always pray to be. And you know what I realized again? That you can achieve it all, all that little and not so little dreams you have in your heart. There’s just 100s and perhaps thousands possibilities that are available for you. It may not all be easy. And who says beautiful things will just come out there all of sudden? They all takes time. True love. Genuine happiness. And you just never stop thinking about them because someday, they would just come to you. Faith, hope, love. They’re your armor. And yes, you just have to believe it that someday, you will, eventually.
Things I’m excited about (this is not actually related to this post):
– John Green’s new book Turtle’s All The Way Down (why do I have a feeling that it is more beautiful than TFiOS?)
– I’m slowly learning how to play ukulele (or maybe I feel I am even though I’m not really) Anways, I’m happy so that’s what matters.
– I will find more books to read like Chicken Soup and that of Pierre. All about poetry. Talk about collection.
– I wanna buy dslr and polaroid. Not sure if this will turn to reality now, but definitely pretty soon. Exciting!
This is all for now. Time to rest my panda eyes. 🙂
We have to continue search and search and search… Until we’ll find what we are looking for. – A conversation with Best Friend
Have you ever wonder what it’s like to be lost? I kinda grasp that idea right now. But I like the idea of that quote above, that if we continue to search for the ‘what’ in our lives, eventually we’ll come across what we are looking for. And that life will become more meaningful and that we have thousand, perhaps a million reasons why we woke up each morning. Not the waking up, fixing the bed and do morning routine kind of thing, but the really essence of waking up. That there’s purpose, there’s a positive force inside you telling, ‘it’s a wonderful and miraculous day to be alive. Make every second of it worth it!’
And she believes that someday she would just eventually find it and she will finally, finally, completely, utterly and genuinely happy that she forgot that she is once a sad story.