Genuinely happy

So today’s my day off and I got to spend it so much with my workmates. I’m happy that we enjoyed each other’s company already and it’s safe to say that we are comfortable being goofy and weird together. Which is really a good thing. We ate so much food and then take weird selfies and just laugh and laugh until our stomach hurts. I miss those kinds of laughs because they’re so authentic and natural that being weird is not a bad thing, that’s why I’m thankful that I got to laugh again, the truest one. 

I’m happy in this present moment knowing that I’ve already adjusted in the place where I am currently working. Though there are restrictions but still, happiness is just a state of mind. And I choose to be positive and hopeful each day (though it’s not always that easy). I actually can’t believe that I’ll survive this whole journey because I’m such an emotional person and being away from home is really a huge struggle for me. I remembered crying and crying (I think it’s the worst cry I had in my life) at the van with my parents, knowing I will not get to see them for two years. My mother just hold my hand while my father is telling me what to expect while working abroad (though I know deep inside he really does want to console me, knowing he also worked on the place I’ll be going). And now after 5 and a half months, I’m here, happy, learning a new language, I have a job, I get to support my family financially,  I’ve met a lot of beautiful souls. I think I am more than blessed knowing that I have these things. I will be bringing these wonderful experiences when I am coming home, which will just happen. So there’s no need to worry. 

I am also happy that one of my closest friend is getting married. Knowing she waited patiently for her definition of true love. I just can’t contain my happiness because she’d been praying this throughout the years and finally, she already found hers. I’m just sad that I can’t attend her wedding but I’m happy that she said to me, “I hope you’re here on my wedding (she wants me to be one of her bridesmaids) because you’re so close to my heart.” Which melts my heart away. Then memories just flashback, the food trips, her being my partner always in ministry, the sleepovers, the movie marathons, and the conversations.  And then I remember all and I just felt nostalgic at that moment. A beautiful kind of nostalgia. I admit I overused that word already but I don’t know, for me as I get older, I always find myself looking back to all the memories that had been built in my mind. That’s where almost of my happiness came from actually.

So basically my next blog post is all about being ‘Nostalgic’. I’m excited because it is mostly associated with my childhood.  

Songs I’m playing while writing this: The Beatles’ In My Life and Passenger’s Beautiful Birds.

Thanks for patiently reading this not so important post. 😛  

Old Soul


They think you’re odd

You’re weird and old

 But when you heard these things

It makes your heart gold.

You have yearning

For people, stories untold

Cities that are old

Beautiful as they told

Waiting for you 

To experience it all.

You simply dont want

Extravagant things and all

Just conversations 

Good food, The Beatles

Which never grows old

Simply because 

It’s what you wish for. 

People demand so much

But if you met an old soul,

They will remind you

To appreciate things

People tend to forget.

Fascinated with history

Their mind is beautiful as their soul

That will never cease to believe

That beautiful things

Happens to hopeful and selfless souls. 

 …
*Credits to Tumblr for the photo. 

Beach: to connect and reconnect

Working away from home is hard and it’s even harder for me because I just miss the beach so much. Not only the foods that I always crave for, cheap but delicious pork barbeques, freshly cooked oysters, sweet squids filled with tomatoes, blue marlin sinigang and the ever delicious diwal soup. And then with some soft local songs with the ocean breeze caressing our well being, I just couldn’t ask for moments like that. I’m currently missing that now.

The beach has always been and forever will be a part of my weird life. Back when I was a child, I always felt ecstatic when my parents would say, ‘We’ll go the beach! Prepare your things.” Those magical words are enough to put us on a good mood for the rest of day and that also means putting ourselves on charcoal-like skins, which we don’t really care actually. That’s the perks of being a child because we don’t really care how we look afterwards but how we will enjoy ourselves, how we feel deep down inside. Walking and running barefoot on the sands, feeling the waves massaging our tiresome feet, seeing different kinds of shells and bringing it home, writing random names on the sand (and even childhood crush, yes very much guilty) Those little things sums up my idea of a perfect and simple beach life.

And then years comes by so fast and suddenly I realized I am no longer a child, that I am close enough of being an adult. Which make it a lot scary just thinking about it. Well that makes me appreciate the beach even more. Not that I go there to swim, I go there to think about many things in life. With my best friend. We usually talk about life, our future, our chaos, our fears, even our future with our soon to be lovers (which are all pure imagination) and anything and everything that no other human being can ignite those kind of conversations, wonderfully weird but also deep and sensible, only with my best friend.  I just love those moments, those random but content worthy kind of conversations will always be my thing. The beach had seen it all. My accomplishment. My triumphs. My sadness. My disappointments. And all the other good and not so good things that had happened to me and as well as that of my best friend. I’m just thankful to God for creating the beach, not only because it is perfect for an instagram worthy shot or a perfect cover photo for Facebook (though it is currently my cover photo, ooops) but because it will make you feel things, it will make you think things. Deeper than the sea itself. And I think there’s nothing more loveable than that.

 It makes you humble but also strong, passionate but soft, contented and full of hope, just like the endless flow of waves. Things I will not be tired thinking, especially right now that I am lying in bed, imagining that I can hear the sound of the waves even if I should be probably sleeping. But I’m just happy I am able to wrote what I feel inside.

You Cling

You cling

For things you want. 

For things to be fine

As time want to tell you why. 

You cling, you keep

Things, people, memories

Of how beautiful it is

Savoring all of it

Because of the idea

That you’ll not experience it. 

So we seek

For beautiful things

Then when we meet new people

We would like them to think

That they should be like this,

Which is very selfish

Because is that love?

If you really think

That love should act in such a way

That is not coincide

With someone’s heart?   

Love, such a free spirit

Same as home

It should not be a place

But a feeling

A happy space. 

 

Grow


Grow, they would say

To where you are

To where you want to be

To a place you can be free.

Grow and go to the direction

Where your heart is safe

Where your heart is in her happy place

Where it may rest, where it can be her very best.

Grow, find something

Discover, not everything but anything

That will make the missing pieces

Eventually and gradually whole, finally. 

Grow, make things happen

Don’t just sit there

And think what will happen next

That can someday be your version of happiness.


You see growing

Is not just a one day process

It’s a combination of beautiful and not so good things

That eventually will change your whole being.


Grow, I say once again

But please don’t forget the inner child in you 

That someday you’ll wake up,

Not appreciating even the morning dew.


Grow, that you may learn

To love yourself

To prioritize your goals

Which will eventually bring you endless joy.

Lost

Lost in transition
Lost in words
Lost in everything
And in between.

It didn’t ocurred to me
That Saturday is different from Tuesday
For everyday living
Is the same as yesterday.

Can I just go back to where I am
Before consciousness have found me
Childhood that I am always fond of
Memories of happiness is all I can think of.

Watching over the car’s window
I want to put my hands carefree
And feel the breeze
And oh how life past through me.

I don’t know what I want
Wondering where I would go
Will I find my place?
My happy home?

Will I find you?
And would you feel the things that I feel?
And if I did found you
Can I consider you a home?

But I hope the answer to that
Is nothing but a sure ‘yes’
Cause there’s so much uncertainties
In this world full of adversities.

2am Thoughts

So here goes this feeling again. I don’t know how it all started but it’s always hard for me to find happiness. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a joyful person on the outside but deep inside there’s emptiness, there’s an undeniable sadness. And I don’t know what to do with it sometimes. I guess I’m just sad over many things that makes me such a stubborn person, I admit it. 

Well, I guess I always want to find something that can make me happy, permanently happy. You know when someone ask another person what is there goal in life and they would answer back things like, I want to have a successful career, a loving family, or a pretty and comfortable home. Back when I was little I want to be rich for the reason that I want to help people and to have a wide range of land that I’ll be able to put up my own garden full of flowers and fruits (weird again I know) But I guess I don’t intend to be one. So when someone ask me what would be mine, I would automatically say ‘genuine happiness’. That’s my ultimate goal in life (Yes I know I’m such a weird idealist.) Because you can have a successful career or beautiful material things but I think it all goes to one point – if ever you’re genuinely happy. Not because you have these things, but YOU are happy, with yourself, within yourself. As I’m getting older every year, it’s a big question mark for me that I still didn’t get the answer to that curiosity of mine. As I also look back in the past, I always have set of questions, not that I’m the smart one, but I guess I observe life more than I live it. That boils to the point that I’m such an idealist. And sometimes I don’t know if that is a positive trait or not. 

But as I’ve said in my previous blog posts, I’m currently under construction on finding my own kind of happiness. I want to embrace the sadness, the pain of being wonderfully lost that someday I will be miraculously found. I don’t know how and when but I know that day would just come, without me knowing, without me noticing. I want to trust this whole life process and embrace what life would give and throw to me. 

But right now, I want to be gentle with myself. I want to discover and get to know myself more, my strength, my weaknesses. Grow and glow. 

‘Cause right now I’m just a garden full of wildflowers but someday, I’ll build my own garden full of roses, sunflowers, lilies and tulips. In short, when I already found my genuine happiness.

I just hope that one day, I’ll wake up feeling energize and ecstatic. That the first thing that I would think of is, ‘oh it’s another beautiful day!’ instead of ‘Urgh, it’s morning again’ feels.  

And that feeling when I will never force myself for being happy, ’cause I already am.  

P.S.: Playing Rascal Flatts’ My Wish while writing this. And it just feels good.